mrelliott

 At work just finished an updo for the "mother of the groom" who had no clue what she wanted but liked to tell me conflicting things... grr. Found out yesterday that I am probably not getting and clinic... f-ing cut backs- so as of no I only have 3 classes... I am going monday to yell... er speak to someone about it.  So not only is it $800+ a year more, but not I will be there longer because they can't give me the classes I need.

Some small drama about the apartment complex not letting me off the lease. They called Carl and said that they lost the paper and that he needs to prove making 2.5 times the rent a month (which is $3200!)... right... I still have my copy of the signed paper so I think we can put them in their place...

Feeling semi weird about Morgan. She is really involved in this Landmark stuff... which is fine but she is kind of dropping other friends at the same time. I texted her the other day seeing what she was up too and she say " moving, we have some catching up to do", what? weird... alright back to work.... 

 So- I have to come clean. Two days ago I was sitting at Coffee Bean, waiting for Stacy to get off work, and I messaged Carl. I just felt like I needed to do it for awhile (like eating something you are not suppose to, I suppressed the urge for as long as I could) I basically just asked how he felt about the way things were, with not talking and stuff. I asked if it seemed easier for him that way or if he needed it to be that way. I asked because for me it is harder to get through this knowing we may never talk again and that when we see each other or what not it will be severely awkward. We chatted for awhile about things and he said he always just thought I would move on and be done and do what makes me happy, all pretty easily. I assured him this whole process has been anything but easy and that I feel better when we are on good terms and that for whatever reason it makes things easier. We both kind of agreed to not be so rigid and if we feel like talking we will and if not that is okay too. I do feel better about it all, and I think he does too. Maybe it isn't the best thing to do but it is what I feel is right, ad for now that's about all I got.

My newest "plan for life" is that if I stay at my parents until winter break and can save up enough money- I want to go to volunteer for Habitat for Humanity. I looked up the places that are available for Dec/Jan-ish and they are Cambodia, Papa New Guinea, and Vietnam:)... That would be so awesome to do something like that! I think for two weeks it would cost roughly 3,000$. That is with airfare and all... I told my mom and she was said "oh, okay". It kind of got me rocked a little off of my mountain of excitement... but not too far off;)... I still am keeping my eye out for places though. Things have been pretty good living here but I see how my parents get curious about what Dan does and stuff (mainly because they think he likes/is seeing a girl, which has never been an open thing before), and it makes me a little worried about the direction things could go... although I think things are different with me and them. My dad is so funny. He got one of those body pillows at Costco and he was says, "oh, I bet you would like to steal it Mel", and I think them he thought about how I am alone with out anyone to cuddle with and then it was on my bed when I went in to go to sleep- he never even used it and he won't take it back:)...

I went to dinner with Stacy last night. It was really nice we talked about all kinds of stuff. Mainly about wanting to do something in life where we can make a difference. Stacy said that is why she is having problems deciding what to do next- I asked her if she ever thought about occupational therapy- and she seem like that may be something she would really like... hopefully she will figure it out...
Any hoo, time to begin the day...:)

 I think about how it might have been
We'd spend out days travelin'
It's not that I don't understand you
It's not that I don't want to be with you
But you only wanted me
The way you wanted me

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
And we can hang out heads down
As we skip the goodbyes
And you can tell the world what you want them to hear
I've got nothing left to lose, my dear
So, I'm up for the little white lies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there

I'll buy a magazine searching for your face
From coast to coast, or whatever I find my place
I'll track you on the radios, and
I'll sign your list in a different name
But as close as I come to you
It's not the same

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back
As say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there

So, steal the show, and do your best
To cover the tracks that I have left
I wish you well and hope you find
Whatever you're looking for
The way I might've changed my mind,
But you only showed my the door

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back
And say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I, you and I know the reason why

 It is strange to me how I can have one mind set for part of the day and then it changes. Usually the days are pretty good but it is the nights that I get sad and squirmy about where things are. Yesterday, however, I was a crazed heart crushed girl during the day and finally in the evening I pulled myself out of it. Today starts off well, positive thoughts- I am filled (well maybe not filled but its there) with the "what's meant to be will be" attitude. None of this groping for peace of mind in having things be settled.... there is plenty of time for that later for now I must enjoy the flips my stomach does on this roller coaster- okay maybe not enjoy but at least live with it!

I was not going to work today so I tried to sign up to volunteer at Animal Acres (a sanctuary for abused animals). I sent an email requesting approval to come in and late yesterday I received an email back (a form letter with my name inserted) explaining how to volunteer you need to send an email and that the will make an appointment for you to volunteer.... HELLO?!?! thats what my email stated, "can I come in tomorrow to volunteer"?... I sent another email back explaining this but now it is too late I'm sure...  

Yesterday I went to my first guitar lesson- I really liked it. They are short only a half hour but if I practice on my own I hope to make good progress. The teacher is good I like his personality, but of course he reminds me of someone who would be friends with Carl... perhaps everything/everyone will for awhile.

Tonight is the Counting Crows concert- I can't wait!!!:)... Not having set plans for the day gives me anxiety but I know I should just be enjoying it because school will be here soon enough.

On Sunday, the day I was suppose to move all my stuff from the apartment, we decided to move just my bed clothes and desk. Basically all the stuff that is not going in storage. So now I kind of have a room. We rearranged some stuff and I put my things in my old bedroom. It feels really good to have my own space again. The biggest reason for not moving everything was that it was so fracking hot and we had to wait until 2 when Carl was done working, which put us at the hottest part of the day... and he said he didn't mind if I left the stuff for a couple more weeks...

I am torn between enjoying not paying rent and feeling like I need to move out... My family is very overbearing and I feel like it is best if I don't live here because I fear getting sucked in to feeling like they want to keep me so close that it is hard to breathe. I am very thankful for them and I do love them to pieces it is just I want to not feel like I can't do anything without them. I am still just taking my time though, not rushing into anything, although I do feel like it would be crazy to move my stuff in to storage just to move it back out in a month or something...

 

 I am sure if they had the cognitive ability babies would feel this same way about learning to walk... Just when you think you got control you loose it and trip. One of the hardest parts of breaking up for me is to watch the other person and how they change or what they do once you are gone. Like leaning up against a red hot stove just to get a better view of what is going on outside the window.

I took Carl off my facebook updates and off my twitter updates. Since he is still my friend on face book it occassionally does some helpful update thing on right side when you are logged in. Curiosity killed the cat and steeped my heart in scaulding water. One click leads to a link he posted about Ani DiFranco (along with some woman's comment of "smarty pants" directed at Carl), second click leads to his new profile picture (along with a nice comment from a girl in FL he stopped talking to when we started dating). I learned that this kind of action is not healthy a couple of weeks ago, which caused the update blocking, I read he had an "old friend" visiting and what not and instantly thought- I bet is some girl and she is staying in our apartment- er his apartment. Mind runs wild. He tells me later (not due to request but just in conversation) his friend Chris (a guy) visited and stayed downtown... I know it is not healthy for me and I am actively working at controlling the urge but I am human and I am weak at times...

I was feeling okay prior to the above mentioned incident. I realize how much I value "couple type" things. I really miss cuddling. I though about what it would be like to go to the apartment in the middle of the night and just crawl in bed and cuddle with him (FYI: I would NEVER do this it was just one of those thoughts...).  

I keep planning to do things but then end up at home wishing I hadn't and that I could just lay in bed and read. I know it is good for me to get out though- if nothing was planned I would feel sad that I wasn't out doing anything. So tonight is dinner with a couple girls from work. Last night dinner with Mork and Jeni, which was disheartening for the reason that being around so many loud drunk people makes me wanna go to Walden pond.

Tomorrow I am suppose to go obtain my belongings from the apartment and put them in storage. Should be.... er.... it will just be what it is.

I know I am still in love with Carl, which sucks. I have to keep reminding myself of all the shitty things that way I can still attempt to move forward and not just wallow in self pity.

I am reading a really good book right now. Three Cups of Tea. A very inspiring story I am sad that it will eventually be over and I am already hoping I can find another one like it. It is a true story and it talks about how the main guy met his wife and married her something like 4 days later because they knew they were soul mates. I like to think that type of love exists, I hope one day I find it...

Feels better to get all this nonsense down and leave it right here on the page (website). 

<note to self> be strong! Don't look!

 Lets see... Went camping, got guitar and exercise clothes from apartment and told carl I was going to start moving stuff out this week, signed up for guitar lessons, had a terrible night's sleep (Monday night), woke up feeling sick and full of anxiety about all the stuff going on this week, in an attempt to ignore anxiety went to craft store to obtain a pen to finish art project.

Thoughts: I can't believe how much better I felt after loosing myself at the craft store. I was there over an hour. I got pencils, a pen, more sketch paper, and a new eraser :), all so I can finish the art piece I started. I also got beads and materials to make myself a necklace, a necklace for Jenny for her b-day, and string to fix a broken necklace I have. It felt good to just be in there and focus on other things for awhile.

I can't help but feel terribly sad over moving all my stuff out of the apartment. It makes this all seem so much more final and real. I know I need to do it though for my mental sanity, because it is real and maybe not a forever final decision but for now it is. I need to do this so I can rebuild and re-establish myself and not cling to the elements of the relationship that are still unsettled. It hurts and makes me feel sick and want to just curl up and cry. That won't help anything though. I am going to be as strong as I can be and be weak when I need to be and accept that I am trying my best. It feels like when you get the flu and every morning that you are sick you wake up hoping to feel better but you just keep feeling terrible.

I am starting to see things about myself a little clearer now. Things I want to change or things I like and want to nurture to be more prominent and strong. This is the destruction and reassembly of this stage of my life... who said it was gonna be easy?  

 Today: woke up, hung out with mommita and now packing/leaving for camping!:)

Thoughts: "Que sera sera. Whatever will be will be, the future's not ours to see...". I feel like I use to have a much less-stress filled outlook on life when I was younger (of course when I was little but I am talking 16-21-ish). Somewhere along the lines I decided to be intimidated by that which I cannot control. Terrible idea. I need to take things day by day and enjoy the wonderful things which fill my life. Jess said it best "life is worth planning for but not planning on". It is so true... I will work towards bettering myself... and  letting go of the things I can't change. There will be no "shoulda's" or "coulda's" but only  things that I have learned to make me grow.
Lovin' life:)

 

 Today: Did some cleaning and organizing in the morning, went to work until 9:30pm...

Thoughts: Today I felt better about things, less sensitive. I think nights are just generally harder though. Tonight driving home I couldn't stop thinking about the response my last client gave me when she was walking out the door- she says "good luck with everything" I said thanks and commented something about it will eventually get easier, and she says "yeah or you could just get back together". This strikes a weird chord with me because we kind of broke up with the premise... "lets see what happens, not like we couldn't ever go back"...

I think I am leaning more towards staying with my parents for at least a month or two instead of trying to move... financially this is the best idea seeing as how I just paid my portion of the rent for this month on the Valencia place.  I still feel like I need to eventually get a place though- i think it would be beneficial for my own personal sense of being to do it.

I have so many things I want to do this summer and it is already almost over!! I want to learn to surf, start taking guitar lessons, volunteer at animal acres, go to concerts.... yada yada yada....

Tomorrow we leave to go camping until Sunday- I can't wait:)

:O ) Sleepy time...

 

 Before I go to sleep I need it to be known that I have wonderful friends and family who are brilliantly supportive. I <3 them.

 Today: Workishness, then dinner by my lonesome (at follow your heart, sat at the counter, read my book, enjoyed my own company), pilates, and then darts and a glass of wine with Ace...
Thoughts: I am curious when I will stop thinking about him 100 times a day. I wonder if the lack of closure (getting my stuff from the apartment) is hindering my own rebuilding or if I would find another barrier if that wasn't the case. I know a big part of it is just time, but I am so damn impatient. I hate when things are in limbo. I want to know what is happening and when it is happening (preferably right now).
Cried on the way home. My mom jokes that when you get old (menopausal) you either get the "maddies" or the "saddies", thats how I feel about this whole breaking up process. If i let myself be mad then I am not sad and if I am sad then I am not mad, at least for the moment but one always seems to lead to the other eventually. I got sad thinking about how we use to call ourselves "our family". Him, me, the doggies, and Lucy. I miss that, coming home to our family. I miss cuddling up like a barnacle on his back and falling asleep. I miss how when we first started dating I would wake up to a hand a couple inches from my eyes, blocking the sun that peeped through the window in his room in Culver City. I miss his little tokens of love like how he got me a can opener, a tea pot and a bottle of wine for me the day I found out I got in to grad school. <tears>... I get sad knowing I wasn't enough. Then there is the anger. I get mad thinking about how he couldn't seem to deal with the fact that I am outgoing and like to be around people. I get mad that it didn't feel like we were a team but rather competing against each other. I get mad that we let our selves go 2 and a half years before finally deciding it wasn't going to work out. I get mad that he doesn't want me any more even if I questioned things myself. I hate that I felt misunderstood and inadequate intellectually at times with him. I am angry that we couldn't make it work. 

I talk about the future. About how there are not any "good guys" left, but really I can imagine life with anyone else (or him for that matter). I look at women who are 40's-ish and have not married and are single and I totally don't want to be that way. Then I think well maybe they didn't want to either. So I am left confused as ever and yet deep down just yearning for love. Like a dog with a piece of meat sitting on the table in front of them- I can't look away and I can't stop thinking about it.

I do enjoy certain things about this situation though. I think about only what I want to do not if someone else will be okay with it. Independence, I guess it is... I also like not being judged in a way I feel incorrect for something. At times though I can't help but feel these things are so inadequate and small compared to being in love... A couple weeks before Carl and I broke up I saw a family in the apartment complex. The parents were probably in their early 30's (if that) and they had a baby and a little girl about 3 and they were walking and the dad was playing ball with the little girl. I remember thinking- that is what I want from this world... so much love and peace between them. Then I thought Carl would see it as chaos or distractions from his dreams... and that is just another instance where we don't match up... 

It is so late and i am sure i would just type forever so I am forcing myself to go to sleep...